Will the Phrase "It's Not Fair!!!" Ever Die?

We just wrapped up our first summer camp of the year, and one of my favorite parts of coaching is that I learn something new every time. We've been running these two-day camps for five years, and while many of the activities stay the same, the athletes always teach me something different.

We end camp with an obstacle course competition where the winning team earns a prize—this year it was gummy worms and a cute yellow bag tag featuring one of my favorite Aristotle quotes: "You are what you repeatedly do. Therefore, excellence is not an act, but a habit."

Every year seems to have a theme of mistakes we’ve made coaching. Once we fix it, the next year, another one pops up.  One year we had to teach athletes how to cheer for one another a little better. Another year we learned that handing out Practice Pro gear at the very end helped everyone leave happier. This year, the theme was fairness.

During the obstacle course, I heard, "That's not fair!" more times than I could count. The funny thing is, we've been playing these same games for years and have tweaked them to make them more fair than they have ever been. But no competition is ever perfectly fair. Someone gets a different teammate. Someone starts a little early before a coach notices. Someone slips. Someone gets lucky. That's sports. And honestly, I think sports are still far fairer than anything regular life throws at us.

As I reflected afterward, I realized many of our campers are at exactly the age when they're learning what fairness really means. Younger children (roughly ages 4–7) often see fairness in black and white—everyone should get the same thing every time, and any difference feels unfair. As they get older (around ages 8–11), they begin to understand that fairness is more complicated. They start to recognize that circumstances matter, coaches sometimes have information they don't, and not every unfair moment is worth fighting over. They're also beginning to develop self-control, delayed gratification, and the ability to think about long-term outcomes. For example, they start to understand that arguing with an umpire might feel good in the moment, but it could hurt them or their team later. They don't always make that choice yet—but they're in the process of learning, and sports provide the perfect classroom to teach it. 

That's why I don't think "It's not fair!" is something we should simply dismiss with, "Well, life ain’t fair, kid." While there's certainly truth to that, it misses a valuable teaching opportunity. 

At the heart of all of this is learning to control the controllables.The key is teaching the lesson before the situation happens. We first spend time talking about what athletes can and cannot control. They cannot control the weather or the umpire, but they can control their effort and preparation. 

Next, we define what "your job" is.  For a pitcher, that job might include cheering for teammates, practicing with purpose, focusing on good mechanics, or throwing the next pitch.. In other words, their job is to focus on the things they actually control—not on someone else's job or whether every situation feels fair.

So when an athlete shouts, "That's not fair!" instead of saying, "Stop yelling,” or “ life’s not fair!" we simply remind them, "Do your job!" That one phrase tells them exactly what to do next: get back to cheering, get ready for the next pitch, focus on fundamentals, or support a teammate. It's a positive cue that gives them direction. Rather than just telling athletes what not to do, we're reminding them what to do. And that's much more powerful because it gives them a clear path forward.

Whenever an athlete starts making excuses, the response becomes, "What’s your job right now?." Then they give a correct answer and go do it! Success! Honestly, that's not just great advice for kids—it's pretty good advice for adults too. That's a lesson that extends far beyond the softball field. And it's worth far more than a bag of gummy worms.